Let me add that to my list...

June 2023

I’m a list maker.

At work I have a small notepad on which I record my to do list. I put a star next to the most important tasks and THE most important tasks get two stars and sometimes even three. If the to do list gets too lengthy, I will make a smaller to do list on a smaller piece of paper, often a post-it note. And when I make good traction of ticking items off the list, I rewrite the list because having it on a fresh, crisp piece of paper is so satisfying.

On a separate, larger, notebook is my list for each standing meeting I have weekly: group supervision, administrative meeting, clinical administrative meeting, individual supervision, etc. Supervision with my boss often begins with her saying, “Aright, let’s get through your list.”

At home, I currently have four lists sitting on my kitchen table. One is a packing list for an upcoming trip. The second is a list of tasks to do before said trip. The third is a to do list for my brother of handyman type tasks that need done around my house. The fourth is my weekend to do list. And in a folder tucked away in my home office is a pre-made grocery list. It contains all the items I typically buy at the store and includes space for me to write in additional items. When it comes time to make my grocery list, I write out a list of meals I plan to make that week. And then I pull up my Amazon Alexa app and tick off the items I added throughout the week by shouting at Alexa to add them to my grocery list and often she has to remind me I already have that item on my list.

I hate these lists.

I obsess over these lists.

I also hate not having a list. I am the, “if I don’t write it down, it doesn’t get done” person.

Two things can be true at once. Not having a list can be overwhelming and having a list (especially a long list) can also be overwhelming. Feeling like I have so much to do and don’t know where to start because I haven’t made a list is uncomfortable. Likewise, having a list that is so long it feels impossible to accomplish is also uncomfortable. What I have learned is that it isn’t about having the list or not having the list. It’s about how I manage the feeling of being overwhelmed.

Growing up is realizing just how many parts of life are just completely made up. Forty-hour work weeks, weekends and weekdays, business hours, and deadlines are all completely made up. They aren’t real. Policy and procedures? Somone just sat down and wrote them one day because someone else, usually some form of a governing entity, said they had to. Those forms I have to complete for my job? Someone just made them up. I know this because sometimes that someone is me. My favorite is when we say, “this is how we’ve always done it.” We blindly accept it as a truth to be followed without considering other possible, perhaps better solutions.

And because two things can be true at once, I can acknowledge that these made up rules and systems can be helpful. Systems keep operations running smoothly. They are important. But systems also aren’t real. And often, these systems can be overwhelming. And you know what else isn’t real? My lists. Better yet, the expectations I put on myself to accomplish everything on these lists by an arbitrary deadline are completely made up by me.

Does this mean I will stop making my lists? No.

But, does this mean I will stop putting so much pressure on myself to accomplish every item on my list by a made up deadline? Also, no.

BUT, does this mean I will learn to better manage how stressed out the list makes me feel? Again, no.

Some things about me will likely never change. I accept that. Now excuse me, I have to get back to my to do list.

About the photo: Located in Oxford, Mississippi is Rowan Oak, the home of author William Faulkner. In the summer of 2021, I took a solo road trip through Mississippi and Alabama. One of my goals in life is to visit all 50 states and make some sort of memory there. If I had once visited Mississippi or Alabama, I had no recollection of it and of course I had to make certain to cross them off my list. I chose Oxford because it was easily reachable by road trip. Rowan Oak is a lovely way to spend the afternoon if you like walking around, at a leisurely pace, and looking at old things. Admission is $5. On the day I went, it was not open but because an employee happened to be there, she let me look around inside. It’s not a destination spot but it is a nice place to pass through.

In other related news, I’m taking a break for the month of July due to my travel schedule. I’ll be back at it in August!